Dear white angel,

I thank you for giving him the opportunity to get out and about. I knew he had the skills and knowledge, he just needed to find the right place.

May he find the job to be a good learning and challenging experience.

I love him so!

He has been busy, I know, since he hasn’t had the time to reply to me much lately. Sometimes it gets a little frustrating but I understand how hectic one can get especially around this time. I hope that he gets into the groove of things soon and will have his weekends back to do the things and get into normal mode.

He mentioned the need to go back home. While I can’t stress how important it is for him to do this (and one I fully support) I also have pangs of sadness and worry about it. For example, what if he goes back and never returns? Or what if he comes back with another…. These are silly thoughts and I shouldn’t have to worry or fret over them. I should have full trust in him!

So white angel, perhaps you can give me courage and patience so that he can find my heart.

Yours truly

Dear white angel

Tonight I ask not for you to bring my lover back into my arms. Tonight I ask you to aid him to success and to grant his wishes.

I pains me to hear and see how busy he is and at the same time be unavailable to help him with anything but to offer words of encouragement. I know he has been working hard and made a few sacrifices to get where he is now…. but even that is not taking him far enough.

I wish that I could be the one to offer positions or to guarantee it, but I am in no position to do that. I wish he aces and nails the next interview he can get, and I hope it is soon. I see it take a toll in his confidence and that is no good. Is this too much to ask?

Why is it that others have had so much luck getting a job while he has been waiting and trying so hard? I don’t think he has done anything wrong, no slacking, no unprofessionalism, no bad references. … Is it all really just a matter of pure luck? Why is Fortune so tempting and teasing now?

He didn’t choose the hard road; it chose him, and I wish so much that all his hard labour comes to fruitation already.

A classmate gave me that nickname for being the girl with the backpack full of keychains. I had so many that I would be jingling wherever I went. I couldn’t even walk into the school library without disrupting my fellow classmates.

For reasons unknown (or forgotten) I have always enjoyed walking around jingling a little. Not from bells (although when I went to japan I got myself a charm that did have a small jingle bell) but from the metals of various keychains hitting each other.

And for a few years my sole souvenirs and mementos bought would be keychains to attach to my backpack.

But I decided that it was time to stop jingling around so much when I got to university. (It took me until about third year to quiet down when I got a new backpack that gasp! didn’t have any place for me to put keychains on!)

It was around these years when somebody had bought me some bangles. And perhaps it was for their jingling or just because I thought my wrists and arms were pretty, that I fell in love with the bangles. I don’t wear them that often (usually when I dress up); nor do I have any real reason to wear them; just that I like them and I think they are pretty.

It started with an X-teenth birthday when a friend got me some gold bangles (5). They were plain and shiny. Too shiny for me as a tomboy-ish X-teen year old girl. I thought they were too “mature” for my age and I never wore them out in public. In fact, I didn’t even like gold that much (I realised later on).

And over the years (much longer than my keychain collecting, I suppose) I have amassed a large collection of bangles. Some I bought for myself, and others as gifts from family. I tend to get the silver/grey coloured ones as I had always felt it complimented my (yellow) skin tone better than the (first set of) gold ones.

I have a set of heavier silver metal bangles - each one with its own unique pattern of squiggles and hearts (7). I have a small set of very thin but coloured bangles - where unfortunately the glued on sparkles have now rubbed away (4) and a very thin silver coloured one with notches and grooves cut into it. On whims I bought a set of (4) stars and (12) random patterns; both of which were low quality hollow pieces of metal which where probably bought for ten dollars a set.

Last year I bought a set of (varying thickness) black metal bangles where grooved patterns were cut into the metal, letting the contrasting silver underneath show through (5). I also recall that last year while dragging my heavily bangled arm through Hong Kong, one of the cheaper bangles (thank goodness) had snapped off… they are not being counted here as I don’t even remember which set it came from (I often mixed and matched sets depending on my mood).

But today while shopping at the forks with my mom we decided on a whim to step into the East Indian store and look for more of the costume jewellery that I tend to gravitate towards (I mean come on… I’m in my mid twenties now and I still don’t like the real silver and gold sparkly sparkly at the department stores?!?!?)

Yes, yes, I am wearing my iron ring and the one my sweetheart got for me. I also on occasion (whenever I remember) wear a curly leaf and my puzzle rings from Toronto; and quite recently, a lizard that my sister got for me as a gift. Like the cheap bangles that I sometimes get, I have also bought some rather cheap plastic rings coated in a silver paint of sorts. But my fingers seem to only like the rings with some real metal to them; and I haven’t actually been wearing those at all after removing the package. I digress.

My mom and I were looking at the silver rings as she was also looking for something cutesy to wear (????) so I was looking at the designs myself. Being rather picky and a quick scanner when it comes to jewellery, I didn’t take a long close look at any of the hundreds of designs. There were mood rings (like the one I wear) and silver bands, and even ones with the gigantic gemstones on. There were toe rings (which my mom suggested I get for those sandal wearing days) and other cutesy random fluffy cat faced ones.

Then for reasons unknown we gravitated over to the section with bangles. Bangles galore! Tiny ones (for babies and children I presume) and larger ones! Of many designs and gold and silver!

Today I had decided that I should maybe get (if any) something gold in colour. It probably had to do with the fact that I was wearing brown today and what better colour to compliment the brown than some yellow gold? We stood there for probably half an hour while my mom was picking up designs that she thought were pretty, me trying them on and checking for the size, and picking up all the ones that kept falling off the rack.

And so in the end I was a little poorer but I was also a few (5) bangles richer. I put them on and could already feel their weight as I slid my arm across the stair banisters. They were of varying styles and designs and colours; some were more yellow and some were more dull in colour.

But now I can say with confidence that this massive collection has grown to include 43 bangles now. Just seven more until I reach 50… yikes!

I never quite knew that I had so many. But now I should be less afraid to wear them around and let my arm jingle a bit. I wonder if I’m the only one in town with this jingly obsession?

I don’t consider myself to be a materialistic girl. I live by with what I need and on occasion “treat” myself with a toy or two. When people aak me what I want for possible gift ideas I usually don’t have an answer. This has often led me into a but of “trouble” so now I have adopted the simplistic gift idea. “soap”, “a coffee mug”, “books” and similar sorts. They tend to be items worth no more than fifty.

I try to keep things low-key. So when I have been logging in and notice your large expansive gallery if photographs of good eats and gifts from your so-called hubby I have a curious urge to view said photos, but at the same time feeling a little uneasy about it.

I am glad your “hubby” of seven months is so thoughtful and “loving”. I am glad he takes you out to all the fancy beautiful places and buys you gifts galore.

But is it all necessary? They once told me the importance of “a man who will give you many gifts” since it would be indicative of a man who is generous and will treat you well. I never quite subscribed to that thought very much because to me, having a man who constantly showers me with grand gifts is just trying to impress me and wasting money, especially if they were gifts that I would have little practical use of.

Granted it would be nice to have a man who would be thoughtful enough to get something for me for at least a birthday (from experience) since any man who promises to bring a gift and then offering excuse after excuse to get me anything warrants a bad record on the book.

But that is besides the point of this rant. A man who is constantly gifting, to me, is only showing off and trying to “win” me over, no matter what his real intentions are. The larger the gift the more absurd I think he is. Total turn-off.

So obviously we have a difference of opinion when it comes to evaluating the significant other. The showier he is, the more “suffocating” I feel.

There are people I know described above. I know that they are showering because they feel their recipient deserves such gifts or wants them to know just how much the recipient is loved. I call bull crap!

But I must be a harsh critic and possibly slightly hypocritical. I have been the victim of “spend any amount, it’s the thought and meaning of the gift that matters” and while that may mean I am modest with purchases, I can go overboard sometimes. But back to the topic of the recipient of the gifts (the girl):

He bought you what appears to be expensive and beautiful jewelry. It’s shiny and quite pretty.

I on the other hand am swarming a 15$ ring of iron that is plain and simple, and a newly acquired blue mother of pearl ring that supposedly changes color depending on your “mood”. Quite different class from your beautiful silver designer necklace.

But I am happy for my rings that I so proudly wear. One was a representation of the hard work and long studies of the past six years (and a reminder for the future years) and the second ring being a memento of an entire week of celebrations of my love (and the very hard work of some arcade action). To an outsider this item may seem childish and worth nearly nothing, but it summarizes my entire feelings better than something else might.

Oh, and I also got an xbox which was gifted after much discussion as opposed to a single idea that “this she might like”. Untraditional but my life I have been trying to break out of the norm anyway.

There are more ways to show and prove one’s love and perhaps they are worth more than just face value.

I feel quite spoiled sometimes with what you decide to spend on me. And this is by no means a comparison between you and a “better them”. In fact I feel lucky and blessed with a sensitive, caring, thoughtful and responsible man. What more can I ask for?

So for all the judges out there believing that I am just silly for my own good, I say forget you!

Even in a rush to sleep or whenever we hang up the phone you are the first to say “I love you”. I usually inject the phrase at random spots of our conversations. But you almost always conclude our meetings with these two or three simple words.

They mean the world to me.

I love you too.

It is my wish that somebody sees the great potential that you possess and gives you a chance to prove it.

It is my wish that you are confident and with a big smile, win them over with your charm and skills.

It is my wish that we meet again and many times. Perhaps always forever.

It is my wish that you succeed in achieving those milestones that you have paved for yourself.

I know these things come slowly and often times at with great difficulty. But you have a lot of inner strength and determination. I have no doubt that you will do the right thing when you are being tested by the Fates. You are doing so well already!

I see the frowns and the frustration and how it is wearing you down. I feel that there is so little that I could do to help in this or that way, and in turn I get frustrated at my helplessness. Please forgive me for not being better.

And yet despite the circumstances and situations you are still accepting and loving to me. You punctuate the long silences with your whereabouts and have not strayed far from anything that could cause me much worry. You have stayed true to your word and stayed by me, offering support.

It is my wish that I could return the favor to you and offer the much needed support for you. People say that you want your lover to treat you with more love than you do in return. While a most wonderful model to subscribe to I must disagree with the notion. Simply because it is not fair.

I feel that everyone needs to love and care about their lover

more than they think they deserve. If everyone follows this then everyone has found their match.

You have definitely shown on numerous occasions where your actions and words have proved to show more concern and love than I feel I have given to you.

I hope it is the same with you.

When I think about it, the most important parts of what matter to me in a relationship are respect, understanding, and cooperation. This has to be two-way and equal. If this is true then we have an even playing field to grow and mature.

I was given a tour of parts of Windsor late into the night. At one point I mentioned something about the contrast between this town and back home. I feel that at that point I may have stepped over a line and actually said something bad. I wasn’t thinking too much about it at the time but I feel that I was being somewhat judgmental.

I apologize.

I had a lovely tour of the city and in a way I wish we could have spent a bit more time in town. You had pointed out so many places to see we could have done them, we should have visited them.

Of course, we also loved to sleep in well into the late morning and early afternoon so that limited our tour a bit. :)

When we got to Toronto we had a library of things to do and places to see and food to eat! Such an overload of activity was probably not met with any research so it was probably my failure to prepare in advance. As well I thought that for once I could wing everything - since I didn’t want to be disappointed if plans do not go accordingly. Why sweat the small stuff (foiled itineraries) when I should be enjoying the company of R?

I see now that a bit more preparation could have helped. Example being a list of places and food I may have wanted to eat at, as well as their addresses. Lessons learned.

To that end the Indian restaurants that I was taken to were a delightful surprise. Being terrible at the “try something new” when I am faced with strange new decisions (I tend to stick to the tried and true) I had a wonderful inside guide and expert in the field to pick out favorites and new flavones for me to try.

Absolutely delicious! I may nit have been able to handle the heat well enough but it didn’t leave me regretting any bite I took. They were great!

(and for the note, I am missing the delicious food)

As far as the Chinese food goes I could have been the worst guide there is! With so many different regions and styles I am only an expert in one very tiny field - most of the food in there being pretty much off limits as they were heavy on beef and pork, not spicy enough (bland), or just too ‘weird’ from a perhaps outside perspective. In comparison - it just plain sucked.

Am I embarrassed? Oh hells yeah!

So back to respect, understanding, and cooperation. R was a very respectable and most often understanding guy. Granted sometimes we had our difference of opinions during our stay in Toronto, he was a gentleman enough to talk things through with me. He is also a great navigator when the GPS decided to be vague and confusing. I suppose that means he is great at cooperating with me ;)

But in seriousness he showed and proved to be a great team player and respected my opinions. Whether he agreed to them or not is another story ;)

We had our differences of opinion and at a few points you called me selfish. Perhaps that is true, but I will vouch a difference of expectations between what I felt a vacation should be and what you felt it should be. To this note we probably should have talked about it a little more than casually mentioning the ‘plan’. Thus we were both ‘at fault’ and not at the same time.

I had imagined that we could go out and explore a place or two and eat some food. Granted that due to upcoming interview nervousness and preparation, the vacation I had in mind did not pan out.

I was fully aware and agreed to help you in your interview preparations. But at the same time I was also disappointed that my envisioned plan was not happening. In a way I guess, I was at a conflict with myself for getting upset over something that I promised I would not get angry at.

In a blind fit of overwhelming emotions (can I blame PMS?) I made the mistake of blaming R in silence. I felt that if we/he were able to get up earlier we could have done more. If he didn’t drink at night he could have woken up before noon. If we were up before noon we could actually have lunch at lunchtime and not at the unusually late/early 4pm. If we had lunch earlier then we could also have a proper dinner at suppertime and not have to scour the city at 10pm when restaurants are closing down and we would be limited to takeout. If this then that, and if that then those…

The anger was on my face and it showed behind snarky comments. That much I agree was my being selfish.

It obviously wasn’t his fault but ours (after all, I slept in as well) and thus have nobody to blame. And the point of the trip was to visit the boy, extra sightseeing was a bonus.

This I knew already but I was already upset and so in conflict I couldn’t even think properly and kept frowning.

After a much heated exchanging of words and my unexpected breakdown he was understanding enough to forgive my behavior and put it behind us. After all, there is no point in ruining a quickly ending trip just over a few rude comments and behavioral faults?

He did grab and hold me when I felt the most vulnerable and in my book, that was really all I needed. Just a silent way of telling me that it was okay.

If I had learned anything from this trip it is:

• the boy can be a picky eater as far as Chinese food is concerned. But that is still okay because there is food that he is willing to eat and that really is all that matters in my book. We probably should have ventured to more Asian restaurants anyway for more flair and adventure rather than playing it safe
• I can tend to be a big baby sometimes. I need to work on that. A lot
• we like to sleep in a lot
• prepare, prepare, prepare
• my spice tolerance is actually better than I thought, but that doesn’t say very much anyway.
• I still love you, even more so now
• you have proven to love me more than I can prove to love you. You are a keeper and I should strive to show I love you more.
• I can have fun and enjoy things even when they don’t go quite as planned. And when that happens, I just have to be open and flexible about it. I also need to voice them.
• PDA is okay in his book and mine. Just a bit and often subtly, but it’s okay! I often got a bit self conscious and shy (are ppl staring?) but quickly shrugged it aside with a “who gives a damn, it’s not their business”)
• he has lovely brown eyes and a beautiful laugh and smile. Why he doesn’t laugh and smile more is beyond me!
• and lots more!

July. And with it came a new sense of renewed energy and love.

I visited my dearest and survived the entire trip. I came back home even better than ever.

Years ago when a similar trip was made and when I was still young I made the exact opposite discovery. But this time around there were absolutely no regrets, with the exception of why I hadn’t done it sooner. Love and adoration reaffirmed.

I was mostly anxious and apprehensive at first. Not being close for two years and a few doubts ran through my mind. Is he still as handsome as I remembered? Does he still love me like he used to or will he be more manly and less affectionate? Will we be able to maintain an emotional as well as physical closeness for the duration of my stay? Silly thoughts they were. Maybe selfish too at times.

As the days were drawing closer to my arrival I was getting more excited and stressed. Work was suddenly the only thing in my mind as it was suddenly crunch time nearing the completion of the project. Having to book and arrange the hotel and tickets and cars and everything was an exercise in price comparisons and budgeting.

But I cannot thank my darling enough. He was a gentleman and offered to pay for the cost of our stay in Windsor and Toronto. I was offering a gift to visit him and he in turn gifted me back. This is the stuff that good men are made of!

My arrival in Toronto was shitty as I was suffering from heat and dehydration. Winnipeg was still in a 15 degree cool spell. I had a blazing headache and felt nauseous but decided to rush out to Windsor as fast as the speed limit would allow me. And late into the night I finally made it!

I was greeted by a scrubby looking boy I only half recognized. I must admit my first thought was that he was nowhere near as dreamy as I had imagined him to be! But that was before the endorphins kicked in and we were holding each other at last. Ah, yes! This was the man I fell in love with, holding me in his arms and smothering me with much longed for kisses.

When you called the other day and put me on the line with your friends I was a bit surprised.

What surprised me more was what your friends had to say about you. I forget his name but he was nice to point out what a “nice chap” you were. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone describe a friend like that before. Granted I’ve heard “nice guy” but “chap” gives it such an air of sophistication!

It was fabulous to hear such glowing comments from your friends. :)

To be honest, I am sometimes a little disappointed when you are busy and we cannot talk. But I cannot be selfish. I understand that being busy means having less time to talk, but it does not mean less love.

:) and of course, given the option to have you talking to me or studying and doing other things, I will insist that you tend to more important things first.

There is no need for you to apologize at all.